I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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