I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
