It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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