kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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