I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
