some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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