No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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