Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
