dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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