you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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