the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
