can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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