I faked an abortion last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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