i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
