I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
