Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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