last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
