Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
