you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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