I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
