I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
