It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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