some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I touched a dick in church today
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
