dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I had your ass I would rule the world
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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