She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
