Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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