The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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