i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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