My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
