just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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