where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
This is not my ceiling
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
