I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My feet surprised me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
