I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
