no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I need a burrito and a hug.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
