battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
