I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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