I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
