I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
