you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
