i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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