i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
