wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
