we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?