I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.