i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
