I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
