Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
