how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
