you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A bitchslap is in order.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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