You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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