no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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