So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
