wakey wakey hands off snakey
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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