Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The adults are the big ones right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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