Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
