It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
