When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I need to stop coming to work sober
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
