On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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