if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
