All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
